Things Non Horse People Say

“What’s the difference between a horse and a pony”

I’m serious, two colleagues in my office job conference called me one day to ask me to answer this in order to settle an argument between them. Turns out they were both wrong, go figure.

 “Aren’t they dangerous?”

I’m dangerous

“You didn’t go out riding a horse in that weather did you?”

No I decided to leave the horse in the stable for an eternity while I waited for a day in Ireland where it was neither p*ssing rain, freezing cold nor blowing a gale to ride it.

“Horses have shoes?”

Yup and while mine cost €15 her ladyship is sporting €65 beauties that will be worn out in 6-8 weeks. Yup I think I’m insane too.

“I broke a nail”

I broke a toe when a beast five times my size decided to mistake me for a scratching post. Here’s a straw – suck it up.

“Why do you wear make-up to the yard / shows”

The horse thinks I look hotter with it on.

“For someone who spends so much time with horses you don’t smell like one”

Said to me in work by a colleague the other day. True story.

“Are horses expensive”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

“Do you worry about falling off”

 Do you worry about crashing your car or burning yourself with the iron/kettle/cooker or electrocuting yourself?

“Do you have to go up every day”

Well unfortunately the mare is terrible at mixing her own feed and putting her own rugs on. In fairness to her I think it’s the lack of opposable thumbs that is letting her down.

“So you know how you have a horse – does that mean you wouldn’t eat horse meat?”

So you know how you have a dog / cat / child…….

 

“Is it really exercise when the horse does all the work?”

Please come with me to the yard so I can pop you up on a horse and have you ride flatwork including sitting trot for an hour and we can see if you feel that it is exercise when you get up the next day!

“Those fences don’t look very big”

Right off you go –  saddle up buttercup and show me how it’s done

“Does the horse just jump the fences herself?”

Does the golf club just line up the shot and hit the ball for you?

 “That’s a really big horse”

Not really, I’m just a pretty small human.

“How do you stay on sideways?!”

When faced with the prospect of falling to your doom or staying on board your survival instinct usually activates your grip muscles. After that I just kind of hope for the best.

“Why do you shave off their hair when it’s cold out and then put a blanket on them?”

Go home, put on a running top and then two thick sweatshirts over it, go running for an hour and don’t take either sweatshirt off during or after your run. About an hour after your run I am betting this will all make a lot more sense.

“Does your horse recognise you?”

No, on a daily basis I climb on board, jump fences on and put all my trust in an animal that is too dumb to tell one human from another.

“What’s the difference between a stallion and a gelding”

Now to be honest I am never really sure of a politically correct polite answer for this one. Let’s just go with twig and two berries versus twig. (Or meat and two veg versus meat which is the analogy we had to use for a colleague who still didn’t get what twig meant).

 “You must be rich if you can afford a horse”

There is a simple maths formula that explains this :  Horse = Human – Money

“With the money you spend on that horse you could pay a mortgage”

Yes but a house doesn’t listen to me whinge about anything and everything without judging me, provide me with friendship and companionship or take away stress. Besides if I had a house not a horse the therapy I’d need would cost a fortune.

“It’s JUST a horse”

You JUST don’t get it.

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