Things Only Equestrian Women Will Understand

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How make up is never really ‘stay all day’ or ‘budge proof’ unless it doesn’t rub off your forehead after wearing a hat and can withstand twelve hours of mud, wind and lashing rain. Extra marks if it stays on after you get a branch to the face on a hunt.

Having no sympathy for someone who broke a nail or got a paper cut. Sure that’s nothing compared to landing head first into a pole or ditch or being lifted off the ground by an animal several times your size. Suck it up.

Being reasonably sober after many generous slugs of god knows what from several hip flasks yet absolutely hammered after one bottle of beer.

Having the ability to walk without even wobbling through ice, snow, piles of leaves, rivers, puddle and knee deep mud and yet ending up resembling a drunk version of Bambi when indoors wearing heels.

That spurs, whips, canes and corsets are definitely not best kept for the bedroom.

The many uses of baler twine

The value of a lint roller

The importance of a sports bra on a horse with a big trot

How much easier it is to find a well-fitting perfectly co –ordinated outfit for competing on a horse than it is for an interview or a party.

Just how terrifying a stray skittering leaf can be when riding a horse on a road – grab the Jesus strap!

Being in a busy sale in a shop and struggling to resist the urge to nudge someone and say ‘over’ or ‘stand’.

That awkward moment when you ask to try something on in a clothes shop and then realise that you have come straight from the yard and are in jods and wellies.

Thinking fresh sweet haylage smells nicer than designer perfume.

Knowing the horses rug size in inches and centimetres and their exact size in a bit and yet having no idea how to measure yourself for anything or even if you are wearing the right bra size.

Being able to distinguish between a real tan, fake tan, farmer tan and a dirt tan.

Being able to tuck your hair into a neat perfectly formed bun for showing or side saddle and yet being incapable of doing anything nice with it when heading on a night out.

Being able to sew perfect plaits into a horses mane and struggling to sew a button on a shirt.

Knowing there is absolutely no point in washing and blow drying your hair before going to the yard.

Being amazed at having ten finger nails that are relatively the same length let alone having polish last more than five minutes on them before chipping.

Having an appreciation for food that can be eaten with one hand so you can have your reins in the other.

Buying mens ties in M & S and Tesco to wear showing, better selection than the tack shops.

Not needing to go to the gym because  you already worked your arms lifting wooden poles to build a course of fences.

Wondering why they took the ‘farm’ bit out of Emmerdale sure that was the best bit, the yard was lovely.

Feeling two stone and several dress sizes lighter in winter when you go from the cold outdoors into a warm house and remove five layers of thermal and waterproof clothing.

Apart from your partner and parents the only other phone number you know off by heart is the yard.

Wondering what on earth people who don’t have horses do in the evenings and on weekends.

Realising you have just clicked at someone who is walking too slowly in front of you…… and just stopped yourself from saying ‘WALK on’.

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