Psychological Reality of a Showjumping Lesson


Oh no, poles, not the poles!


Relax for god’s sake, they are poles what’s the worst that can happen?


Kill me now, I can’t even get over  pole with a bit of grace and elegance.


Woah, woah, woah, woah, get back here you crazy animal.


Too much woah, oh god, leg, leg, grab the mane, pray.


Okay brain, get me sitting up into this fence, then forwards and balanced over the fence and then back up before this half ton animal hits the ground – got it?


That doesn’t look too big.


Oh god, that’s enormous.


Argh – that filler looks like a drug trip.


Do not look at the fence, look everywhere except the fence.


Look up, sit up, head up!


Grab the mane!


Grab the jesus strap!


“LAND, One, Two, Three, Four, F-UUU-UUUC-CK”


Three, two, f**k, long one!


Too much leg, way too much leg, just sit there, let the fence come to you and all that happy stuff.


Three, two, chippity chip, close eyes, leg on, pray for clearance.


Dear god why can’t I get a bloody stride right!


Maybe jumping isn’t for me, maybe I should stick to dressage….or lunging….or just grooming and drinking.


Three, two, BOOM, yes! did anyone see that?!


Why doesn’t anyone have a camera when I get it right but when I hit the deck everyone is a Sky news reporter?!


Okay, if we do it right twice in a row it isn’t a fluke.


Hey trainer, how about we finish up on a good note, like when I am still alive and my horse doesn’t hate me.


Why do the fences always look 3 holes smaller afterwards than they were in my head?


Can we try bigger next time?


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