50 Shades of Hay

Theres a new film coming out
About standoffish Mr Grey
And a moron without sense
Who bites her lip all day

I’m confused by all these women
Who think this is such kink
If they turn up in the stable yard
They won’t know what to think

In terms of being submissive
I’d be at a total loss
When it comes to whips and spurs
I’m used to being the boss

I don’t need no red room
To practice using whips
In fact now Mr. Grey
I could probably give you tips.

I’m used to handling animals
About 16 hands of force
If you think you’re domineering
You haven’t met my horse!

I’ve got spurs, bits and corsets
I’ve got long boots made of leather
On the days that I ride sideways
I use all these together.

I’m trained to tie up horses
It makes a handy trick
If I need to set them free
I can release them really quick

All this talk of tying up
I’m sure it makes some ladies twitch
I’d rather watch some fine man
Jump a horse across a ditch

Don’t waste the best materials
On bedroom bondage toys
The best place for top class leather
Is between your horse and thighs

So I am sorry EL James
Your book didn’t make my day
I don’t want or need no Mr. Grey
I’ve got 50 shades of Hay

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